


Ai gonplei ste odon...

by Kcortneyw



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Clarke pov, Echo is surprising, Everyone Has Issues, F/M, M/M, Multi, POV Bellamy Blake, POV Clarke Griffin, POV Multiple, Poor Clarke, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, after season 5, bellamy is oblivious, echo POV, painful memories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2020-10-01 22:14:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20422091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kcortneyw/pseuds/Kcortneyw
Summary: Clarke wakes up after being asleep in the Cryosleep chambers and makes a decision after being tormented by those around her and by her own demons.





	1. Her Demons

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by another fic by theinvisibledisaster, their work was beautiful, and hopefully my turn on it gives Clarke's feelings some justice.  
Clarke obviously deserves so much better but seriously, they have got to let her handle her demons.

The moment her cryo pod opened Clarke felt the weight of emotions she felt before falling asleep. She remembered thinking about staying awake while everyone else silently slumbered for years without her. If she would have let everyone go and silently age while they lay frozen it would have felt better, maybe she wouldn’t feel this way now. Maybe all those years alone would have broken her demons and she would be able to live without the pain of the past. Looking down at Madi sleeping soundly, a soft pang against her chest shifted, she should have had a better childhood. All of the what ifs race through her mind until she hears the soft click of another cryo pod opening. Bellamy. They looked at each other, then looked at the rest of the cryo pods. 

“Why is it just us?”  
“That’s the way mom and dad wanted it.”  
Surprised by the stranger, Clarke and Bellamy glanced at each other confused.  
“Oh, sorry..I’m new at this, I’m Jordan, Monty and Harper’s son.” Jordan said noting the confusion on their faces.  
“Son..?” A hint of recognition hit her eyes, she continued, “They didn’t go to sleep..”  
“No, they wanted to get back the way it was on the ring..”  
She remembers them talking about how peaceful it was on the ring, finally being away from war and heartbreak. Clarke looked down at her feet, knowing she’s never known peace, so she was glad Monty and Harper got it and she understood why they didn’t go into the chambers. They deserved it. She could have had that with them, wishing so deeply that she got that chance. Remembering the deep and painful ache in her heart. Who knows if she will ever get it.

Jordan showed them a video showcasing Monty and Harper’s life on the ship, including his birth, the realization that earth was gone, Harpers death, and the new planet. It was heartbreaking, and once the new planet was shown Bellamy and Clarke couldn’t do anything but stare at the new planet and hold each other. Deep down, Clarke knew this could be a great thing for her family, she just had to make sure she couldn’t screw it up with her mistakes. 

You won’t screw this up for everyone, you can do this.

It took them a day or so to figure out who to wake up and who to keep asleep. Clarke decided to let Bellamy handle most of that, knowing he would make the good choices. Of course, he decided to wake up the rest of Spacekru, his family. And so far, they had only woken up seven people; Echo, Emori, Raven, and Murphy, then Clarke decided to wake up Miller and Jackson. It was Raven who decided to wake up Shaw, since he had extensive knowledge of the ships tech. Smart idea, but then again Raven is brilliant.

But, Clarke knew after waking up Spacekru that things would be different. The atmosphere was different, the way she silently moved around everybody, not speaking up or choosing her words wisely. They were a family, and she wasn’t apart of that family. She was a traitor to them and she was sure nothing would change their minds. That was clearly set in stone when she walked into the mess hall and Emori and Murphy said some snide comments about her, something about handing their people over to be tortured and it being called “just a Tuesday for Clarke,” she just walked away. She tried to push it to the back of her mind, but after years of difficult decisions and the loss of so many people, she just didn’t have the strength to push it all away. It didn’t exactly help that they were targeting her for the things she had to do to save them. Her demons reminded her of those choices daily as well, her mind being as much of a traitor as they say she is.

You can do this Clarke, just take it day by day.

She thought it would get easier each day, but it only got harder. The second day everyone was awake they all gathered to talk about what to do and what the game plan would be. It was decided that they would wait a week or so before sending anybody down to the new planet so more research could be done. Each person was tasked with something to research, whether that be the oxygen levels or radiation levels of the new planet, these things needed to be figured out. It wasn’t horrible, that first day, but she could tell she wasn’t wanted. Nobody really acknowledged her presence. She barely managed to get a small smile from Bellamy, probably the only person that could save her. Yet, he was far too busy being their leader. There was nothing wrong with that, she knew his strength was within the power of his leadership and his heart.  
Clarke managed to get paired with Jordan to figure out the food supply on the ship, and apparently he had already taken care of that situation before he even woke them up. So she didn’t have to worry about actually doing any work, which was nice.  
It wasn’t that Clarke didn’t care about the new planet, it was just that she had zero motivation to do anything, she started to lose interest in everyday conversations about “Planet Alpha” and no one really noticed that her effort had zeroed out. It was day 3 of research that she realized they didn’t even need her help. They had everything figured out, without her help. They had literally figured everything they needed to get to the ground safely without her input or suggestions. She didn’t even think they needed her at all. 

So she decided that day, she decided they didn’t need her at all.

They didn’t need to know that, but like they would care anyway, all she has heard from them since day one was how she was the traitor. She had given up hope. Her demons had won.

The next couple of days went by in a blur. Clarke looked around the mess hall, taking in all of the faces of everyone. These people used to be her friends, but now Clarke sat on the outside looking in. She looked at the hope that radiated off of everyone, the hope that held excitement for the future. They needed that because after years of hardships, this was their future. A hopeful one. For them at least.  
She seemed to disappear in the background and began to wonder if this would be the best thing for her and everyone around her. Then she saw Bellamy, and the way he looked talking to Skaikru, to Echo. She realized it was the best thing she could do. It would give them a better chance at a good life, it would give Madi a chance to be a child again. She began thinking about her and Madi’s life before Eligius came to earth, how she felt like she finally had a place to call home. She wanted Madi to have that feeling again. She was deep in her thoughts when a tear started to roll down her cheek.

“Hey.” Jordan spoke quietly but still jolted Clarke from the memories.  
She quickly wiped her cheek and looked up to the cheery young man that stood in front of her. Oh he looked so much like Monty. It was heartbreaking really, but the happiness that radiated from him had her smiling. How could she be sad around him, this life is all he has known and he’s excited about going to the new planet.  
“Hi, Jordan.”  
“So, I was told this stuff isn’t actually good, but since its all i’ve ever eaten..” He handed her a bowl of Monty’s algae.  
“Oh it’s the best.” she replied teasingly.  
She gulped the algae down like it actually tasted good, but in reality this was really the first time she ate anything substantial. If you really looked at her you could tell. Her sunken eyes and boney structure was a sure sign of malnutrition. But, since no one really paid any attention to her, no one noticed. She looked up at Jordan smiling. She didn’t say another word and he got up to sit with the main group. She felt that pang against her chest again. He would be happy with them. She watched him sit down and caught a glance from Bellamy who smiled at her. She couldn’t force herself to smile back so she just stood up and walked to her room. She sat on her bed with her back against the wall and started to sketch out a picture of everyone together. They all looked happy in the portrait, she didn’t put herself in the picture. Why would they want to be reminded of what she has done to them. When she was done she folded it up neatly and wrote on the back. 

I’m sorry for all the pain. I’m sorry for letting you down.  
Please take care of Madi for me. Tell her to be strong.  
May We Meet Again.

She pined it to the wall hoping someone would find it. She didn’t really want it to come to this, but after years and years of choices, regrets, and painful memories, she didn’t want to live a life like this. Clarke was done living. 

Another couple of days went by without anyone talking to her, which was fine, but Clarke wanted to end things on a good note with everyone. So she wanted to make amends. Hopefully, some people would understand where she was coming from.  
She walked over to a table that Emori, Murphy, Shaw and Raven were sitting at. This would be the place to start. The ones who hated her the most. She quietly sat down and looked at Raven.  
“I’m sorry..”  
Her saying that made all hell break loose. Literally. Shaw stood up aggressively and started yelling at her. Screaming.  
“I just want some redemption..”  
“You want redemption?!” Shaw screamed at her.  
She stood there, still, she deserved this. She may have no expected it to go like this, but maybe having him let this all out will make way for forgiveness.  
“You haven’t done a damn thing to even deserve a good life!”  
Clarke heard Echo say something but her mind was focused on the hate spewing from Shaw’s mouth.  
“No! She deserves to feel the pain she’s inflicted on everyone she supposedly cares about!”  
She has felt the pain of her demons for years. Fear, anger, regret, and so many other emotions boiled under her skin. She started to walk away.  
“I wasn’t done Clarke!”  
She turned around,  
“Well, I am.”  
It’s over isn’t it..


	2. What's Wrong With Forgiveness?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Echo notices changes in Clarke, but does anyone else?

~Echo~

Echo wasn’t born to be a heartless spy, she was taken from her family and raised in the land of Azgeda for Queen Nia’s own purposes. Echo knew how to watch people, even after all of these years she does it without realizing it. She even notices things about people she didn’t think she was paying attention to. However, her new family has softened the edges of her heart and they have made her a better person. This new life didn’t erase what she grew up learning, which was carefully watching people to gain insight into their lives. Now she found herself doing that with Clarke. It was unintentional at first, but after seeing some worrying things she began to carefully take note of the things Clarke did.

She knew something was really wrong the moment Clarke started avoiding conversations about the new planet. Echo thought Clarke would be the one to lead that, she always seemed to know what to do, and now its like Clarke didn’t even care what was down there. In the beginning, it was pretty simple, just avoiding the conversations about the future, but soon it got more and more obvious. At least more obvious to Echo, everyone else seemed to be in their own bubbles, including Bellamy. After a couple days Clarke started to eat in her room and tended to avoid any conversation at all. Echo tried to get her involved but nothing really helped. Occasionally Clarke would be in the same room when the serious conversations were being held and Echo noticed the drastic distance she kept from everyone else, even Jordan who was basically happiness on crack 24/7.  
“I don’t think everyone who is awake should go down there. Who should go down? Clarke?”   
“Huh? Oh whoever wants to go I guess.” She shrugged.  
“Seriously Clarke? Whoever wants to go? I think we should have a better stance on who should go, like those with tracking skills or you know someone who has been through this before.” Miller spoke up while looking shocked that Clarke didn't have a better answer to that question.  
“Well then maybe just send seven people down then, we don’t even have to wake up anymore people that way. We already know Raven would stay, and Jordan isn’t going right away for safety purposes so then Raven and Jordan would stay up here with me and the rest of you could go down in the dropship.”  
Raven rolled her eyes but they had already known she would have to stay because she was a pilot and if both her and Shaw went down there there would be no one to pilot this ship if something were to happen. That wasn’t the surprising part, it was that she was staying also.  
“Why wouldn’t you go with them?” Jordan looked confused.  
“I wouldn't be needed, why go if I’m not needed” she shot back.  
Everyone now looked equally confused. Why wouldn’t she want to go explore the new planet? Why did she say she wasn't needed?   
“Now that we’ve got that taken care of, I’m tired, so I’ll be in my room.” and she walked away.  
Echo looked at Bellamy. Looked back at Clarke walking away, then looked back at Bellamy stunned.  
“Somethings off about Clarke, Bellamy.”  
“She’s fine Echo, just tired.”  
She knew better, and she thought Bellamy was just avoiding the fact that something was actually wrong. Something was very wrong.  
Throughout the week more things became noticeable and it was frightening. Clarke didn't leave her room much and when she did and she barely said a word to anyone. The dark circles under her eyes and the shadows under her cheekbones scared Echo. When Echo would see her she would always try and involve her in the conversations that were happening, but most times Clarke would just shrug and walk back to her room. It was completely surprising Echo that no one was attempting to acknowledge this new Clarke that was vanishing in front of them.

After years of growing up on the ground where having to kill before being killed she enjoyed the comfort of peace in being on the ship. Even more comfort on the ring where most times it was just her and Bellamy. Waking up next to Bellamy had been great on the ring, but here, now, things seemed different. He seemed tense, like he wasn’t totally there, like part of him was in a different room and he didn’t even know it. At first it seemed like it was just from waking up after over a hundred years, but soon she realized how far away he truly was. He was focusing all of his energy towards the new planet and nothing else. It wasn’t that he was completely unfocused on everything around him, Echo just thought he was going through the motions and not really understanding what was going on around him. Hence him not realizing how bad things with Clarke had gotten. The idea that their new beginning lay thousands of feet below them was far more important than worrying about their current situations that lie directly in front of them.

“Bellamy?”  
Echo looked at him as he rolled over on their bed.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“Have you noticed any of the things that are actually happening on this ship?”  
“What? What are you talking about?”  
“I’m talking about Clarke.”  
“Why are you talking about Clarke?”  
“Have you noticed her?”  
“Echo, what the hell are you getting at?”  
“Clarke! She’s falling apart and I’m the only one noticing! How is that okay? She’s supposed to be your best friend!”  
“I’ve had other things on my mind Echo, getting to the ground specifically, how am I supposed to know what she’s going through, I never see her.”  
He shifted to sit up and sit across from her, now reeling from the current conversation.  
“And you didn’t think that was a sign? Clarke, not being the forefront of getting back to the ground, to start over?”  
“Look, Clarke is a big girl, she is her own person, she was alone for six years, she’s probably just enjoying the option for solitude before the chaos of going to the ground. Just let it go Echo.”  
He layed back down, but she couldn’t let it go. Something was off and she knew it. If she was right, it wasn’t going to end well.

It wasn’t until a day before they went to the ground, or a week after they all woke up when things got really bad. Clarke had started to apologize to people for what she has done to them. She knew this wasn’t going to end well, and right now she felt like this was just the beginning. But, Echo wasn’t thinking all hell would break loose, though, she was expecting some harsh words to be said.  
“You know, I would go back and do things differently if I could..none of us can change what we did, what I did, and somehow, Monty thought we deserved a second chance.”  
“This is like your fifth chance Clarke.”   
Murphy had smirked like he was saying something shocking.   
“Yours too, Murphy, I’m trying to make peace with my mistakes, let me do this.”  
Echo could tell something was cracking in Clarke, why would she want to make amends. We had all the time in the world to forgive Clarke.   
“You want redemption?!” Shaw screamed at Clarke.  
Clarke stood there and took his arguments.  
“You haven’t done a damn thing to even deserve a good life, salvation comes from faith and good works, not hope of forgiveness you think you can get from people you have betrayed.”  
If he were being completely honest, none of them deserved a good life. She noticed Clarke showed no emotion on her face, she kind of looked dazed, as if she wasn’t really there.   
“Shaw stop!” Echo pushed towards him.   
“No! She deserves to feel the pain she’s inflicted on everyone she supposedly cares about!”  
Yep, she called it, but Echo flinched at what he said to her because she knows Clarke cares, why would she make any of the choices she has made if she didn’t care about the people she made them for. Shaw stopped yelling for a moment and Clarke took that as him being done. Clarke started to turn around to go towards her room.  
“I wasn’t done Clarke!”  
She kept walking; “Well, I am.”  
Her voice held zero emotion, like she was just a hollowed out version of who Echo knows Clarke to be, and to be honest, the apologies were the closest thing to seeing Clarke be emotional since they woke up. 

It kind of scared Echo. She started to follow Clarke but Bellamy stopped her by grabbing her shoulder.   
“Just let her cool down.”  
“Cool down? She just stood there and took what he gave her, that wasn’t Clarke, Bellamy, and you of all people should know that. You know her better than anyone here and you’re just going to tell me there isn't something more going on with her?”  
“I don't know what to say Echo, Clarke will be fine, she’s always fine.”  
“We literally had this conversation a couple nights ago and you’re still going to say you don’t see what is going on here? Seriously bellamy? How am I the one seeing this!”  
“Maybe you’re just reading into it too much.”  
“Seriously Bell?”  
Echo pulled herself away from Bellamy and sat down. Maybe she was getting worked up over nothing, Clarke is just tired, right? Maybe she should give her a minute. She would go check on her in a minute or so. Bellamy sat with her and began discussing ideas on what they would do on the ground. She was more focused on Clarke and figuring out what could be wrong. What happened to make her spiral like this?  
She was too focused on Clarke and decided she needed to take a breather, maybe she just needed to unwind and relax for a while. They have been getting worked up about going down to the ground tomorrow.

Echo ended up falling asleep so when she woke up, she decided to walk back down to the mess where everyone would most likely be. She didn’t get too far though, she heard the faint sound of glass crashing down the hallway. She started towards and when she got closer it was obvious something was wrong. Screams and glass shattering started to echo the closer she got to the door. It was coming from Clarke’s room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've gone back and forth with this chapter, debating whether or not I would just leave the first chapter as a single one shot kind of thing because I wasn't (I'm still not) thrilled with how this chapter looks. But hopefully it's good and let me know what you think!  
I will be posting more because I have a VERY dramatic chapter next from Clarke's POV


	3. No Redemption

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Archive Warnings HERE! See notes at the end for more.

~Clarke~

Slowly walking down the corridors of the ship, Clarke decided to take her time by going to different floors and corridors to get back to her room. Her emotions were at an all time high, not knowing how she should really feel after being torn apart by shaw and constantly at war with herself. Should she be mad at herself or the people around her for the way she feels inside? While she wanted to place blame on everyone else, she knew that it was herself who was to blame, years of pain and trauma had given way to the damage within her, and now, all that damage was effecting those around her. She knew she had to save everyone else from getting hurt by the damage she was causing. It wasn’t fair for them to constantly have to deal with her and the consequences of the choices she has had to make for them. Sounds stupid, like they should be thankful for all that she has done, by all means, she’s the only reason they are all alive right now. Clarke, however, knew that the damage within herself was far too much to ever live in peace. No matter how much she fought for it, be believed she was destined for disaster. 

She walked aimlessly for hours before deciding to go back to her room. She had enough of the warring thoughts in her mind. Her body was weakened by all the thoughts that plagued her mind and she was finally ready to let someone else save humanity, because humanity had finally failed her. Clarke gets to her room and heads straight to her desk where she grabs a bottle, desperately thanking Monty for keeping a stash of his algae moonshine to so gracefully age for their use when they woke up. She didn’t want to feel anything anymore. Taking a long swig of the liquid, she shudders as it burns going down. The bitter taste lingers as she takes another. The more she drinks the more obvious her ghosts become. She begins thinking about things and jumps down the hole of memories she’s been trying to avoid. 

Her Father.  
Wells.  
Finn.  
Mount Weather.  
Lexa.

She thought about every single choice she had to make when she thought there wasnt another option and the pain that choice brought. 

She remembered every single name she carved into the handle of her gun.  
All of the people she has lost. The ones she killed. The ones killed because of her.

The memories crashed into her thoughts like bombs. She shed tears thinking about Jasper and the pain he was in when telling her she’s not God. Well, this is the last time she will decide who dies. Maybe if she were gone then everyone she hurt wouldn’t have to look at her and be reminded of the pain she caused. She didn’t realize how long she had been drinking until she stumbled towards her desk again. The jar of pencils crashed to the floor and shattered, sending pieces of glass and pencil everywhere. Her heartbeat picked up.

Now that was satisfying; a rush.

She grabbed the bottle of moonshine and tossed it across the room. She laughed. She felt something. Lighter. She started throwing everything to the ground, everything she could get her hands on was thrown. The sounds of broken glass reverberated throughout the small room. Everything that could be thrown was thrown, every piece of paper that had a sketch on was ripped. Ripping the memories made her heartbeat harder within her chest, it was a rush of feelings she hasn’t been able to feel in years. Screaming at nothing just like in the desert. Trying to grasp at the feelings and adrenaline gnawing at her.

The pain she was trying to hide within, the sorrow that crept up slowly over the past week, the anger that has grown over the years, the hate for herself that had built up, the happiness she longed for, all came screaming out within her. 

“I am done! I can't do this anymore! I’ve lost everything! I’m done!”

Screaming at nothing, maybe the memories and people that haunt her.

“Everyone thinks I’m the bad guy, FINE, I’ll be the bad guy!”

She screamed until she couldn't scream anymore. Almost everything in her room was destroyed except for the long mirror that hung near the door. Though, in one swift movement it was ripped from the door and shattered into a million pieces. 

The force she used to throw it to the ground startled her and she fell to her knees. Not realizing the shards of glass pushing their way into her flesh. She didn't feel a thing. Nothing. Everything she had done in her life had come to this moment. Nothing could save her now. She looked to her gun that was a couple feet away. At first, she thought she wanted to die quickly, but now, she was unsure. She wanted to feel...something. Something other than the rage and sorrow that filled her heart. The gun would be too quick so she decided on something else. 

An ache grew at her knees and she looked down, seeing her black blood seep into the pants she was wearing. That was it. She felt something, and she wanted more. She grabbed a bigger shard of the mirror and pressed it against her wrists. The warmth of her blood on her wrists was comforting to her. It was like all of the pain that had been built up inside of her left just as her blood did. Ever memory a drop of blood on her wrists. She whispered the travelers prayer then spoke loudly when she bid herself farewell in Trig.

“Ai gonplei ste odon”

She whispered it again as tears fell down her cheeks.

“Ai gonplei ste odon”

Peace.

She weakly walked to her bed and laid on her back to watch the stars move past her window.

Peace.

Loud pounding at her door made her jump.

“Clarke! Let me in! Come on, talk to me!”

She was surprised by whose voice it was. Echo. Her of all people, coming to find her.

“There's nothing to talk about.” she replied weakly.

No one could stop her, she had locked the door and destroyed the keypad from the inside. She was sure no one could even try and get in. She heard more screaming from outside her door. It was too late for anyone to do anything. As if they really wanted to help. All they did was dig the grave she wanted to be in.

“Raven! Get me into this damn room!”

For a minute there was only silence and Clarke could hear the slowing of her heartbeat, she felt the beat as it pulsed at her wrists soaking her with its warmth. She just stared at the window on the ceiling that slowly began to show her the perfect view of the new planet that her family would be able to start over on. Without her. They would be able to move on in peace, because without her, they wouldn't have to worry about all the damage she may bring. 

Her eyes began to drift closed when a loud crash focused her weak attention to the door. Echo rushed in, Echo, again, of all people, ran to her side with a look a pure fear and sadness. She saw Echo’s glances go towards her wrists and her eyes widened. Echo grabbed her wrists hoping to stop the inky blood from spilling out, but Clarke knew it was too much already. A small small crept on her face. 

“Clarke...no!”

“Clarke..what did you do..”

Clarke waited a moment. Echo was struggling to stop the bleeding, she could feel her grip on her wrists slip around, struggling to keep pressure. Clarke mumbled the saying again, though it was weak she said it clearly enough for Echo to hear. 

“Ai gonplei ste odon”

“Yu gonplei nou ste odon!!!!”

Clarke looked up to Echo who was now crying. She has never seen Echo this way before. She felt another pang in her chest . She choked a bit on her words.

“I…I..I don’t d..deserve redemption Echo.”

She heard screaming coming from Echo’s radio.

She took one more glance at the new planet, wanting to feel a sense of accomplishment. She got them here. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed everyone was in her room. She could hear muffled sobs and screams. One in particular jumped out at her. Sensing a new weight against her body, she looked over, seeing deep brown eyes staring at her through disheveled curls. 

“NO, Clarke you cannot just leave me like this! CLARKE!”

Bellamy. She wanted to be gone before he got there. Yet his screams echoed in her ears.  
He screamed at her though they were so close. She didn’t want to look at him.

“No, no, no, no! I can’t lose you again!”

“Clarke, look at me, I need you! Madi needs you! I cannot lose you again! Clarke LOOK AT ME! Don’t close your eyes! I need you!”

It was finally over.

Her pain would finally be over..

The hurt in her heart was bearable..

Everything was numb.

It was peaceful.

She looked away and closed her eyes and things slowly... 

went... 

dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOF. This chapter has been sitting in my head ever since the first episode of 6. I have rewritten it several times hoping to get the right emotions and such. Hopefully her emotions in this chapter were good. Sorry, but after all the trauma she has endured I figured her mental health would be at an all time low so attempting/committing suicide was something I thought she would do since she has been there before. 
> 
> Comment some love or kudos if I should continue cause I am stuck on what I wanna do next.
> 
> Also, thanks for all the comments so far! Hopefully I will continue but working 2 40 hour jobs makes it hard to get some writing done.
> 
> Again THANKS!


	4. The hard truth.

~Echo~

Bellamy was screaming. 

“Clarke LOOK AT ME! Don’t close your eyes! I need you!”

Seeing Clarke close her eyes broke Echo. Clarke was strong. She had to be, for years Clarke beat all the odds, even surviving Praimfaya after they left her to die. Echo thought about everything they had been through. Clarke deserved to survive.

More of Bellamy’s scream broke her out of her thought bubble.

“Jackson! Help me get her to medical!” 

Bellamy screamed while trying to pick up Clarkes limp body by himself. Raven grabbed his arm, revealing a sense of regret seeing Clarke like this.

“Bellamy, we need Abby..” Raven said quietly.

“Wake anyone who can help!”

The hurt behind his voice broke Echo, Clarke meant everything to Bellamy. She saw how much leaving her behind during Praimfaya killed Bellamy, she knew he wouldn’t be able to handle it if he lost her again. She watched as Bellamy, Jackson, and Raven ran out of the room. Leaving behind a mess of emotions.

It was silent. Silent enough for Echo to hear her own heartbeat hammering within her chest. Its impossible to say, but Echo almost thinks that everyone in the room could hear it. 

Thump Thump.

No one says anything. 

Only Silence.

It wasn’t until the soft whisper of tears trickled through the silence when the barrier broke and the sounds of sobbing echoed through the small room.

More sobs.

Still standing at the side of the bed, hands dripping with charcoal colored blood. She shuddered at the reminder of seeing Clarke’s blood pour out of her wrists. Wiping her hands on her pants, she looked around. Everyone seemed to be crying now. 

Clarke was never Echos friend, hell she even tried to kill Clarke a few times, but she knew where she was coming from and the ache in Echos chest grew. She coughed at the lump in her throat. Echo had been in her shoes, but Bellamy had been there to talk her down, remind her she had a family. Clarke was lost, having no one around to stop her from doing what she did.

She glanced towards the corner of the room and saw Emori and Murphy holding each other crying. Out of everyone in the room Echo was quite surprised that they were the ones inconsolable. Remembering the words they spit out after they had just woken up. They felt bad..knowing the things they had said to her just days earlier were more than likely part of the reason she did this. It was going to haunt them. By the door, just outside the room, Shaw looked like he had seen a ghost, but assuming his actions shot this event into hyperdrive, he had seen a ghost. It wasn’t just his fault. It was everyone's fault. 

No blame laid on Clarke, she was just in too much pain and no one was even realizing how much she was going through mentally. Echo looked to the ground, taking in her surroundings, trying to calm down her racing heart.

Something caught her eye and everything came into a clear picture.

It could have been much worse.

What she saw? 

Clarke’s gun.

Clarke will survive. She always does. She just wanted to feel something, Echo thinks. If she had chosen the quicker way she would, in no way, survive that. But, Clarke didn’t choose that end. Echo was lucky enough to realize something was wrong and found her, so she will be okay. And everyone will apologize and make up for being absolutely awful to her.

She stood up and walked slowly towards the door when a piece of paper caught her eye pinned to the wall. It was the only thing in the room not ripped up or destroyed. Emori stood next to her and whimpered while Murphy grabbed the paper from the wall and unfolded it. It was a picture of everyone, everyone but Clarke. Tears pricked at Echos eyes and Murphy turned the picture over and saw the note. He read it aloud..

I’m sorry for all the pain. I’m sorry for letting you down.  
Please take care of Madi for me. Tell her to be strong.  
May We Meet Again

You could hear the sobs coming from everyone in the room.

“I...I didn’t even know she felt this way..” voice coming from Emori sounded so broken. 

Echo scoffed and everyone glanced towards her.

“Why would you? You have all been stuck in your own damn worlds since we woke up!” Echo continued, “Do you even fucking remember the first things you said to Clarke? Or the dirty looks you gave her?!” Echo was furious.  
They all looked to their feet. 

“Remind me, who saved us from Allie, or Praimfaya, or every single goddamn horrific thing that has happened to you guys?!”

“I know I never really liked Clarke, but she has shown us countless times, that she would always pick the choice that saves us, every single time. And now, she thinks us being without her is the best choice, since none of you have even shown the slightest bit of gratitude for her saving our asses AGAIN.”

Everyone seemed to have shrunk from the guilt. Tears glazing over their eyes after thoroughly realizing what they had done. She looked towards Shaw who seemed to be without the drastic emotions that everyone else was feeling.

“And YOU. You had NO right telling Clarke she didn’t deserve redemption, who are you to say that to any of us! You don’t know Clarke or any of us for that matter. You should feel awful because if anything, Clarke is the only one who deserves redemption. I’ve heard the stories of the great Wanheda, the things she has done to save everyone should guarantee a free pass to redemption, leaving those who aren’t grateful behind. Her mind has been at war because no one has had the decency of thanking her, or being her friend, or just be there for her, instead everyone choose to neglect and ostracized her. So caught up in their own worlds. She feels GUILTY because you all choose to focus on the choices she didn’t make rather than the ones she did make.”

Shaw shuffled on his feet.

“I...I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“Mmph, no one REALLY means for someone to try and kill themselves after they tell that person they don’t deserve redemption, huh Shaw.”

“Echo stop it, we get it. We have all been shitty towards Clarke, we have. We should have been there for her, forgiven her. I have told her cockroaches have to stick together and I wasn’t there for her. I probably won’t forgive myself for letting this happen. She has forgiven us all too many times, and we have yet to do the same for her. We let her down.” Murphy tried.

“Murphy, I am not the person you should be apologizing to. The person you should be doing that is currently battling a war, a war she wants to lose. So stop, just stop. DO BETTER.”

Echo knew that saying those two words would get everybody to listen up. Jordan looked at her knowingly, he knew what she was trying to do. Yeah, it was a low-blow, using the last words Monty said to them, but Echo believed that nothing else would work. 

More silence.

Jordan makes the first move by starting towards the door.

“I’m going to check on things…”

Everyone but Murphy made the move towards the door.

“I..I can’t. I don’t want to see her like that.”

Emori grabs his hand.

“We don’t have to go see her, but we shouldn’t stay here.” He nodded at Emori and followed her out of the room.

Echo stood still. She wanted to see if Clarke would be okay, but she felt that she would, so she decided to stay and clean up Clarke’s room, so if she came back she wouldn’t have to be reminded of what happened. Though there was like 400 rooms on this ship so she didn’t actually have to stay in THIS one, and knowing Bellamy, he wouldn’t want her very far from him.

Bellamy. 

Echo knew where his heart was, but she didn’t want to face reality. As long as Clarke was going to be okay, she didn’t care what happened between her and Bellamy.

She sat down in the one spot that didn't seem to be covered in Clarke's blood and just took a moment to breathe. It wasn't long before Echo had spaced out enough that she didn't even notice that Bellamy had come back and was on the ground with Murphy holding him. She heard mumbled words spoken between the two of them, so Echo stood up and started picking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woof, chapter 4. Again, I have rewritten this a few times. But I guess that's just what happens when you're not really a good writer. But anyways, might fuck around and write a Bellamy POV. 
> 
> Also, how do authors write thousands and thousands of words, like I struggle with 1400 LOL oh well.
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	5. The Head and The Heart

~Bellamy~

This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be, she has to be okay.

  
  


Bellamy’s thoughts were racing, his heart was too, remembering the last time he lost her. He had mourned her once, there was no way in hell he would do that again. Carrying Clarke’s limp body through the corridors of the ship gave him time to think of all the memories the two of them shared and also made him realize that it was taking too long to get to the med bay. He looked at her wrists that Jackson had quickly covered up to slow the bleeding, the makeshift bandages were now seeping black. He quickened his pace to as much of a run as he could carrying her body. Tears running down his face. He had to save her. He had to.

How did he not know she was going through this. Dammit. Echo talked to him about this earlier. How could he have been so oblivious to the one person he cares the most about. She began to withdraw the moment they woke everyone up. If he would have just been there for her, talked to her more. He wouldn’t be losing her again. Again..his thoughts flashed to the ring, crying for days after he left her on the burning planet they left behind. A knot buried itself in his throat, he coughed out as he tried to quicken his pace even more.

  
  


They finally reached the med bay after what felt like an eternity and the doors opened to the sterile room. Jackson, already prepping the room so he could get to work.

“Jackson, we can’t lose her.”

Jackson just looked back at him with apprehension, and Bellamy was sure he could see the immense trepidation in his eyes. They placed her body on the bed and Jackson started to remove the bandages he had just put on, he placed the dripping pieces of cloth in the surgical pan. The anxiety in the room was deafening. He looked towards Clarke, and looked at her weakened body soaked in her blood. His breath hitched in the back of his throat.

There was so much blood. So. Much. Blood. 

“What the hell happened?!” Abby screamed as she ran into the med bay. Raven limping quickly behind her.

Bellamy couldn’t say a word, he just collapsed in a heap of sorrow. Raven sauntered over to him and knelt beside him and just held him. Abby quickly ran to her daughters side and started helping Jackson. 

“How much blood has she lost?”

“You probably don’t want to know..but a lot.” Jackson quipped. 

“My baby..”

Raven glanced up at Abby.

“Were gonna have to wake up Madi aren’t we...she needs blood right?”

Bellamy shook more sobs out and screamed. 

“Madi...noo...Clarke is her only family, she can’t lose her, she’ll be heartbroken seeing her...”

Raven looked at him and said what everyone one else was thinking.

“Bellamy, look at me, she’d only be heartbroken if we lost her and with her blood we can save her!” 

A fury of determination sparked in Bellamy’s eyes and he shot up and ran towards the cryo chambers and stopped in front of little Madi’s cryo pod. His heart was breaking knowing he would have to tell her what had happened. He tapped the screen to wake her up and the cryo pod clicked open with a hiss. 

“Madi..”

“Are we there?”

“Yes, Madi, we are...but, we have a problem.”

“Problem? What kind of problem?”

The determination in this small child was astounding to Bellamy. The leader of hundreds is going to buckle hearing the news, he thought. Her mom. The only family she really has is now dying. Trying to regain his composure he looked at Madi.

“Bellamy, what..is..going..on?”

“It’s Clarke..” Bellamy forced the words out and choked back a sob.

“Where is she? What’s wrong!”

“We have to go to the med bay Madi, it’s not good.”

And with that Madi ran towards the med bay as Bellamy was getting ahold of his emotions. When he caught up to her she was on the ground sobbing near the doors. He walked up to her and picked her up to hold her. 

“She needs you Madi..”

She looked back at him and nodded, tears streaming down her face. 

Bellamy couldn't stay in the med bay for long, his thoughts were eating him up. He began pacing down the halls hoping Clarke would be okay. What would he do if she really died this time. He was a mess the last time he lost her. A complete mess, he remembers not eating for days and Monty having to force algae down his throat. It took him years to get over Clarke, to begin to feel okay about her sacrifice, to feel anything other than the throbbing pain that was left in his heart. He felt it in his heart, he wouldn't get over her death this time. She had to live. 

He mindlessly wandered around and when he took a moment, he realized he had walked back to Clarke’s room. Emori looked up to him, then looked back down to her hands. They were all huddled outside of her room, but they hadn't left. He walked in to look around. Immediately becoming upset seeing the glass and blood everywhere. Her colored pencils broken and old drawings ripped up. He walked to her desk and found a piece of her sketch paper that hadn't been ripped, looking closer, he realized there was a reason for that. It was a picture of everyone standing like one big family. The only thing missing was Clarke, the most important part of his family. He flipped the picture over, not wanting to think of his family being without Clarke. Small neat handwriting jumped off the page and made Bellamy shutter while reading the note.

_ I’m sorry for all the pain. I’m sorry for letting you down.  _

_ Please take care of Madi for me. Tell her to be strong. _

_ May We Meet Again _

Suddenly Bellamy couldn't stand on his own two feet, gasping for air as he fell to the floor. 

“Breathe, Bellamy, breathe.” Murphy rushed to his side.

“We..We cant lose her Murphy.”

“We won’t lose her…”

“We did this to her Murphy, she saved our lives and this is how we repaid her.”

“Bellamy..hey..hey, it'll all be okay.”

He took a deep breath and noticed Echo starting to clean up all of Clarke’s blood.

“You don’t have to do that, we’ll just put her in a different room.”

“I know Bell, I know you’ll want her closer to you, but still we shouldn’t have to be reminded of how badly we failed her.”

He couldn’t stay there. He just couldn’t be surrounded by the damage done. It was like looking directly into a book of Clarke’s pain and he just couldn’t do it.

“Fine, I...just..I can’t be here, I don’t even know why I came back here..”

Bellamy began to walk out the door when he turned back around to face Echo.

“And Echo, you didn’t fail Clarke...I did.”

He didn’t let her reply back and headed towards the med bay again. Once he got back he just collapsed near the doors, not wanting to disrupt Jackson and Abby. 

He just cried.

And cried until he passed out.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Bellamy?”

The voice woke him up and he jumped awake thinking something was wrong.

“What’s wrong, is something wrong?!”

He looked at Jackson.

“Bell, god no, I’m sorry I startled you, it’s just, we’re finished. She lost a lot of blood, but with Madi’s help we got her back, and Abby is working with the nightblood serum to create blood bags for her in case she needs more. But, I figured you’d want to see her.”

Bellamy nodded quickly.

“Just to warn you she still looks a little gaunt, and we cleaned her up the best we could. She’s heavily medicated and on a bit of oxygen, but she’s going to make it.”

Bellamy felt like a massive weight had been lifted off his shoulders. 

She’s going to make it.

He slowly walked into the med bay and looked at the sleeping blonde hooked up to all the machines. His heart felt like it was going to jump out of his chest. He took a deep breath and sat next to Clarke and just cried some more. 

“I’m sorry, Clarke, I am so so sorry I didn’t notice how bad things were for you. I never meant to distance myself from you. You have always been a huge part of my life, and for the longest time you weren’t there and with you being back, I just didn’t know how to go about living with you again. I’m so sorry. I just can’t lose you, not again, YOU are my family Clarke. I’m sorry I left you out of that and I promise I’ll never lose sight of that again.”

He sat there listening to the steady beep of Clarke’s heartbeat on the monitor.

He looked down at her face. 

He looked at her wrists.

“I’m so sorry..”

There was a quiet tap on the bay doors and Bellamy turned slightly to see that it was Echo.

“Hey..”

“How is she Bell..?”

“She’s alive…”

“How are you Bellamy..”

“Echo..stop...I can’t do this..not with you..”

“Look, I know you love her, have loved ever since you saw her for the first time on earth, I know I’ve been good for you but she’s the one for you. I can’t top that, Bellamy. No one will ever mean as much to you as Clarke does. It’s always been Clarke, and I’ve been just as blind as you have thinking you could just be friends. But, Clarke needs you now, she needs you to be here. And if we know anything about her, it’s that death can’t stop her. You will get her back, so don’t let her go this time.”

Echo turns away and walks out of the medical bay without letting him say something back. He’s quite stunned but relieved at the same time. He never meant to string her along. He realizes Echo was just a band-aid covering the Clarke sized hole in his heart. She was right, no one could ever mean as much to him as Clarke does, or fill in all the crevices that were opened when Clarke was gone.

  
  


Is gone?

No, she isn’t gone, she’s alive. Death cannot stop Clarke Griffin.

“Yu gonplei nou ste odon, Clarke.”

He looks down at her peaceful face. Nothing will keep him from his feelings now. Not after almost losing half of his heart again. He grabbed her hand, being careful of her wrists and all of the wires and tubes, and squeezed it lightly.

“You hear me Clarke? Death can’t stop you. I won’t let it. I can’t lose you again, I will move mountains and stars to keep you here. Ai….niron”

He stuttered the last part as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

He wasn’t going to lose her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND WE HAVE BELLAMY'S POV
> 
> Y'all. I wasn't sure about writing in a male pov but, I'm pretty sure this was the easiest to write for me!
> 
> Let me know what you think. I'm not sure how many chapters I'll do, but I guess we will see!
> 
> Also, need to shout out my BFF Nicky for the help and being an amazing friend.


	6. Memento Mori

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW it's been awhile since I've updated, but life got me going 100 miles an hour. I got a job promotion and I'm moving in with my SO so life is ~crazy~
> 
> Hopefully you all like this short chapter, hopefully I'll get onto finishing this, I'm thinking one or two more chapters to close this out..and I may have some ideas for some new works. Let me know what you think!

Clarke

Everything was fuzzy and felt weird. It was like she was there, but she wasn’t. Her arms tingled and her head felt full. Clarke looked over and everything was just white.

Nothingness.

She looked at her wrists and saw that they were wrapped with clean, white bandages and that she was in a simple white gown.

This brought back dark memories.

“No..no..this can’t be real, I can’t be back here..” she said herself.

Looking around again all she saw was white, no white door with the small glass window.

No Monty on the other side of the hallway.

Just nothing.

White. 

Clarke closed her eyes. Trying to remember what happened.

What the hell happened?

She paced in the sparse room wondering how she got back here. She closed her eyes and opened them. 

A new room. A bigger far more familiar room this time. The bed, the balcony, the space. It was Lexa’s room. Her breath was caught in her throat. 

What is going on?!

She closed her eyes again not wanting to picture the last moments she had with Lexa.

Opening them again she was once again in a new room. This one was familiar, but different at the same time. It was her skybox cell, but it wasn’t the same. The walls, floor, and the ceiling were covered in drawings, memories, so clear that looking at them threw Clarke back into them. 

How was this possible?

“It’s because you’re dying”

Startled, Clarke turns to the familiar voice and stares in shock.

“This is possible because of me, just so you know.”

“Allie? How is this because of you?”

“The neural mesh that is inside your brain, it’s stored all of the memories, or data, ever known to you. And since you’re dying, your mind sent your consciousness to the mesh, or what you see here. It’s also how I’m here, I’m just a figment of your unconcosciousnes.” 

“I’m...dying?”

“You wanted to die, so why is the idea of you dying a surprise to you now?”

“I...I don’t know, why don’t I remember what happened?”

“Sometimes when a body undergoes a tragedy the mind hides the hard parts to avoid the reality of it.”

“I don’t think I actually want to die, I’m just so tired of trying to survive. I just want to live”

“I’m not the one you need to tell that to. Tell yourself that, if you really mean it, you should be able to give your body the strength it needs to live.”

“Why are you being nice like this? I unplugged you because you were psychotic..”

“I’m not actually Allie, I’m technically just a visual memory, who I am within your mind is up to you, how you really want me to be.”

Clarke closed her eyes yet again, but when she opened them she was still surrounded by the drawings of her memories. Small echoes of a voice bounced around the walls. She couldn’t pick up what the voice was saying, but the sound was so familiar, warm, loving, sad.. Clarke glances to a memory that she remembers like it were yesterday.

Hearts were racing and a distinct warmth next to her.

“I’m a monster”

“Hey, you saved my life today, you may be a total ass half the time, but...I need you..we all need you...you want forgiveness? Fine I’ll give it to you, you’re forgiven.”

Bellamy.

She was suddenly back to her charcoal covered cell.

“Bellamy.”

She realized it was his voice she was hearing.

“Bellamy!”

She had to figure out how to wake up. How to live again.   
But first she had to remember why she wanted to die in the first place.

Clarke looked at the walls around her and tried to remember what had happened. She thought she would be happy after leaving earth, leaving all the tragedy behind. But, it seems like it followed her. Looking at the portraits surrounding her it seems like tragedy always followed her, so why was this a surprise to her. Maybe because it caught up to her and led her to this place that made it so hard to think about. Why did she want to kill herself?

“There’s a reason you cannot remember, it’s that you don’t want to remember” Allie reappeared near her. 

“That makes no sense, I want to remember, I NEED to remember.”

“You don’t have to convince me of that, convince yourself, Clarke.”

“Allie, HOW?

Clarke turned to face Allie to question her more, but she was gone. With a huff, Clarke fell to the ground and cried. Hearing Bellamy’s voice whisper throughout the room was getting painful to listen to. She just wanted to be with him. They spent years apart after surviving earth side by side and all she wanted was to be there.

She curled up on the ground and tried to remember the details of her death.

Fuzzy memories sprang up and the only thing she could remember were the ghosts of her past. She remembered Jasper yelling at her for playing God, Bellamy locking her up so he could put the flame in Madi, and watching Monty and Harper say goodbye. Everything faded after they said goodbye to Monty.

“Hello?” her voice echoed.  
“Why can’t I remember?”

“Youre not giving up are you?” the familiar voice spoke up quietly.

“Monty?”

“The one and only”

She started trembling as tears peaked behind her eyes.

“I...I miss you so much”

“And I you Clarke, but you need to wake up”

“I’m trying Monty, I am”

“You’re not though, this isn’t you being the fighter I know you are, this is you giving up.”

He was right, she thought. No matter how much she fought here she figured it wasn’t going to be enough, so she was giving up. 

“You know he won’t forgive himself if you die, right?”

“What?” 

“Bellamy, he won’t forgive himself, he will let this eat him alive like he did on the ring,”

She thought about them leaving her behind so they could survive during praimfaya.

“Losing you the first time changed him. He didn’t even know you had died for sure but it turned his life upside down, losing you in his arms this time? It will destroy him.”

Thinking about Bellamy holding her in his arms made her tear up.

“Monty..I’m trying, I just can’t figure out why I wanted to die.”

“You don’t have much time, so if I were you I’d think of the good memories that would make it impossible to want to die”

With that Monty walked away and faded into the darkness.

Clarke started pacing around the small room hoping to think of something good when a small voice began echoing through the room.

“Clarke? Mom? I know you can’t hear me…”

Madi. Tears poured out of her eyes remembering that she’d be leaving Madi all alone. 

“MADI I CAN HEAR YOU”

She screamed hoping it would wake her up.

Her pacing quickened. 

I need to wake up, Madi needs me!

“You’re going to have to try harder than that”

“Go away Allie”

The pain in her arms grabbed her attention. 

“Wait, Allie! Why does it hurt?”

“It hurts cause you’re remembering the pain”

She was shocked and a rush or memories came to her mind.

Being shunned by her friends.

The awkwardness between her and Bellamy.

The blood dripping down her wrists.

The screams.

Clarke fell to the ground crying. Shaking.

“I’m sorry..but her body can’t…”

She heard the echo throughout the tiny room.

“GET UP AND FIGHT”

Bellamy..his voice echoed loudly and gave Clarke the last amount of energy she thought she needed.

Everything went black.

Blinking twice, her blurry eyes made out a familiar figure in front of her holding her face.

“Bellamy..”

She let out hoarsely.

“I’m here Clarke, I’m here”

“I’m so sorry Bell.”

“I should be sorry, I let you down Clarke, I left you behind, found you again, and continued to leave you behind me when you deserved to be beside me”

They looked into each other’s eyes and leaned their foreheads against each other’s. 

“The heart and the head.”

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, this is the first piece of work I've really ever written and posted so..wow.


End file.
